Forgiveness...

Forgiveness is the hardest part of grieving...

Whether you are forgiving yourself for something you did, or trying to forgive someone else for what they did to you. Either way, it's difficult to say..."I forgive you".What makes it so difficult is the feeling that "if I let this go, I am excusing what they did". isn't that what keeps us from saying the words? because "why should i forgive them!!?? I didn't do anything, why do I have to let this go!?! Why cant they just apologize, gravel, plead, beg for MY forgiveness and forever be indebted to me until I see fit!?!" Unfortunately, we know, it doesn't always work that way.

Buddha said that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.We often times loath that person from the discomfort of our own thoughts and hope that they feel how much they've hurt us. If there's any recurring theme in my posts its that we know the person who hurt you either; 1) is totally oblivious to the hurt they've caused you, 2) aware but doesn't care, or 3) aware but is too weak to make it right so they choose to ignore the situation all together.

Whatever THEIR reason is cant be YOUR reason for not letting go. Forgive them, if you cant forgive them for what they've done, forgive them for not being the person you wanted them to be. That's crazy right? think about it for a second...take a moment...say it to yourself "I forgive [insert jerks name] for not being who I wanted them to be"...say it again....one more time...let it marinate....doesn't that feel different? By saying you forgive them for not being who you wanted them to be you're indirectly forgiving them for whatever it is that they did, because if they were the person you wanted them to be, they wouldn't have caused you so much pain!

Brilliant, right? You may not be as excited as i am about this lol but let me tell you, this has ABSOLUTELY helped me at my moments of weakness. I say this anytime i think about the person, anytime i see him, talk to him, i say it 100 times over. We have a child together so before he comes over, i say it to myself, before i open the door i say it some more, and to be quire honest, i say it to myself while he's sitting in front of me talking about whatever it is he's talking about (i don't know, because i'm in the zone, forgiving him in my head lol).

It may not feel like it works at first, but trust me, keep at it...our brain and our heart has been conditioned to react and feel pain whenever this person comes around, and why wouldn't it?? At one point we loved this person (and maybe we still do) so of course whenever you try to tell your brain and heart "Listen, It's ok, i don't care anymore"...they respond with "um, yes you do now shut up, grab the tissues, the chunky monkey ice cream, a bottle of wine, and Waiting to Exhale and lets cry this shit out...grab your phone too, because we may or may not send an i hate you text followed by an I love you text".

So don't quit, anytime they come to mind, stop yourself, and say "i forgive you for not being who i want you to be" and keep saying it until the thought is gone. Eventually, your thought process will change and your heart and mind will realize "oh wow, you really don't care, so we'll stop thinking about it too" and then you will be able to treat that person like any other person that comes in your life but doesn't meet your standards...you kindly accept them for who they are but acknowledge that they wont be playing a major role in the production of your life.

Remember, forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because YOU deserve peace...

As always, thank you for stopping by and remember that YOU control the price of your worth, so set it high!

 

Relapse...

 

...Hi my name is Carmen...and today....i relapsed.

Over the past two months i have worked tirelessly to recover from the heartbreak and betrayal i suffered. I've tired to forgive it and just be cordial, if tried to ignore it and hate,  I've tried to block phone calls and text messages, replying short or not at all. All of these things, and nothing seems to fix it, the pain is still felt. If i'm honest with myself all of these methods have been more about making this person feel what i feel and less about me recovering. When i say i forgive, i want him to feel guilty for doing what he did to such a kind heart, when i ignore i want him to feel the pain of no response, when i block calls and texts i want him to feel unworthy of my response. I want him to feel how much he has hurt me, and this is not an effective way to recover, because my cold hard truth is...none of it worked, he didn't care one bit and this... is why i have relapsed.

In one moment all of the feelings resurfaced and the hurt rushed back to my heart like blood to your head when your upside down for too long....and i cried...hard...as hard as day one...I asked myself who is this person i loved and how can they be so cold and heartless when its not them who was hurt? I wanted to flood his message box with "How dare yous'" and "I hate yous" and "You're so heartless"...

But after speaking to my brothers i came to the realization, and what i want anyone going through similar situations to realize that, whether they care or not is irrelevant. Just like they are not capable of giving you closure, they are not capable of feeling remorse. They aren't living their lives to intentionally or unintentionally hurt you because they are so selfish that they are only focusing on their needs. So don't destroy you progress by caring about what they think or how they feel, because they are not losing sleep over what you think or how you feel. What you can destroy,  is your want to want them to want you, destroy all of the episodes you play in your head about what they could possibly be doing if they're not mourning over you, destroy any thought of them period, good or bad, because either road leads to relapse and pain and believe me when i say, you're worth so much more...SO MUCH MORE! All you need to focus on is elevating that believe and understanding that even if they did want you back, they don't have enough to afford what you are worth. Understand that what you're feeling is completely normal, relapsing is normal, and after you have recognized that, jump back on track and continue to elevate your self worth.

Some people are going to comment or be upset by my use of the word relapse because it's often used to describe someone going through a physical addiction. To them i say, the definition of Relapse is the deterioration in someone's state of health after a temporary improvement. This definition is not limited to physical health, it is any act that causes you to revert back to a previously unhealthy state and what other drug can either make you feel alive or make you want to curl up and die.... like love...

I leave you with this...never chase someone to love you..and never love someone willing to make you run. True, honest, genuine, and beautiful love does not need to be chased and doesn't require games to be played in order to keep it, because love is innately all of those attributes and thus...anything less....isn't real.

As always, thank you for stopping by and please remember, you're worth it! :0)

 

Closure...

Sometimes you don't get closure...move on...

There are few moments in life where you gain absolute clarity on how different you are from someone than during the moment of a breakup. You start to see -- for lack of a less cliche term -- someones true colors.

You wonder...why would you do this to me?, what have i done to make you act this way? Why didn't you come to me with the issue before it became a problem?

The hard truth is...you may never get closure and if you ask for it and you're not receiving it to your satisfaction, move on. As hard  as it may be, you cannot continue to search for something that will never be found. 

If you're anything like me, you might ask all the questions you have and think you have found closure, but then, when you're lying in your bed at night with just your thoughts, you begin to think of more questions that you need answers to. but, listen...you'll always have questions, it will never make sense, you will always question whether that person ever loved you at all, there will never be sufficient enough answers to help you feel like you got everything you need to move on.

The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what they say, how many times they apologize, or how many times they explain moment for moment why they did what they did. If they have cut you deep enough the wound is far too open for closure. This means that even though you may be left with a permanent limp (unanswered questions) you have to move on. There is no other way.

So, how do i move on? It's a painful process, believe me, but it starts with destroying all notion of your right to know why and your right to have closure. Destroy the belief that if they are not willing to give you the closure you need than you must not be worth it. Because yes, while you absolutely deserve answers and closure from that person and you are in fact worth it, that person is not capable of providing you with what you need...and lets be honest...isn't that why your here in the first place? Know that you deserve closure and accept that they are not the ones to give it to you, so give it to yourself. Elevate your self worth by moving on.

As i write this, I'm speaking to myself, because i find myself still wanting to ask why, i still feel like i haven't gotten closure, but i realize that the person that hurt me is lost his self, so how can he help me find what I'm looking for?

I'm not a relationship expert, obviously, and the things i write in the blog are a pure expression of my thoughts and what i am and have begun to learn throughout this journey.

As always, thank you for stopping by and know you're worth it! :0)