...Hi my name is Carmen...and today....i relapsed.
Over the past two months i have worked tirelessly to recover from the heartbreak and betrayal i suffered. I've tired to forgive it and just be cordial, if tried to ignore it and hate, I've tried to block phone calls and text messages, replying short or not at all. All of these things, and nothing seems to fix it, the pain is still felt. If i'm honest with myself all of these methods have been more about making this person feel what i feel and less about me recovering. When i say i forgive, i want him to feel guilty for doing what he did to such a kind heart, when i ignore i want him to feel the pain of no response, when i block calls and texts i want him to feel unworthy of my response. I want him to feel how much he has hurt me, and this is not an effective way to recover, because my cold hard truth is...none of it worked, he didn't care one bit and this... is why i have relapsed.
In one moment all of the feelings resurfaced and the hurt rushed back to my heart like blood to your head when your upside down for too long....and i cried...hard...as hard as day one...I asked myself who is this person i loved and how can they be so cold and heartless when its not them who was hurt? I wanted to flood his message box with "How dare yous'" and "I hate yous" and "You're so heartless"...
But after speaking to my brothers i came to the realization, and what i want anyone going through similar situations to realize that, whether they care or not is irrelevant. Just like they are not capable of giving you closure, they are not capable of feeling remorse. They aren't living their lives to intentionally or unintentionally hurt you because they are so selfish that they are only focusing on their needs. So don't destroy you progress by caring about what they think or how they feel, because they are not losing sleep over what you think or how you feel. What you can destroy, is your want to want them to want you, destroy all of the episodes you play in your head about what they could possibly be doing if they're not mourning over you, destroy any thought of them period, good or bad, because either road leads to relapse and pain and believe me when i say, you're worth so much more...SO MUCH MORE! All you need to focus on is elevating that believe and understanding that even if they did want you back, they don't have enough to afford what you are worth. Understand that what you're feeling is completely normal, relapsing is normal, and after you have recognized that, jump back on track and continue to elevate your self worth.
Some people are going to comment or be upset by my use of the word relapse because it's often used to describe someone going through a physical addiction. To them i say, the definition of Relapse is the deterioration in someone's state of health after a temporary improvement. This definition is not limited to physical health, it is any act that causes you to revert back to a previously unhealthy state and what other drug can either make you feel alive or make you want to curl up and die.... like love...
I leave you with this...never chase someone to love you..and never love someone willing to make you run. True, honest, genuine, and beautiful love does not need to be chased and doesn't require games to be played in order to keep it, because love is innately all of those attributes and thus...anything less....isn't real.
As always, thank you for stopping by and please remember, you're worth it! :0)